After visiting in North Carolina and hanging out with my girls, I've been thinking and wanted to share a little. Since being married, we have lived in Havelock, NC the longest and even though Adam and I would rather have our teeth pulled than admit that it's there that feels like home.
Anyways, I got to visit with my friends and two of them were pregnant and we were talking about babies and childbirth and just how hard it can be. The comment was made that people always say how great it is and no one really hears about the hard parts. I don't think that I've shared this on the blog before, but since I've been thinking about it...
I have posted about my experiences getting Blake into this world, so I'm not going to go into that in detail. As I was in the operating room, getting my 2nd spinal and knowing that it wasn't working and what the next step was, that I would be given general anesthesia... Being a nurse, I know that these surgeries happen all the time and women and babies survive... But laying on that OR table looking up at the lights, I never felt so alone. I was so scared. I was sure that I was going to die and that Adam would end up either raising the baby by himself, or both the baby and I was going to die. I started praying. I'd like to say that I felt the peace and the comfort of the Spirit wash over me, but I didn't. I didn't feel anything. And that scared me all the more. I went "to sleep" on that table, tears running down my cheeks, with the anesthesiologist rubbing my hair and telling me that everything is going to be okay.
When we finally got home, that first day... I didn't listen when people said sleep when the baby does. I was up, running around, doing stuff. Then I realized I was starving and just stood over the counter, eating whatever it was that was brought to us for dinner. Boy was I exhausted that night and there was no nurses to take Blake back to the nursery so I could get some sleep and Adam can sleep through anything. I remember thinking that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, but I also knew it was a little too late for that.
I think the next 4 to 6 weeks were the toughest for me, in my life. I had never been so out of control. I was exhausted. I've never worried so much or doubted myself so much. Am I feeding him right? Is he getting enough? or too much? How much do I let him cry? Everything that I knew or read or learned in nursing school went right out the window.
I would be fine one minute and then bawling the next. It wasn't getting better. I would pray and feel NOTHING. One day it got really bad, I was praying to my Heavenly Father, just begging Him to be able to feel his love, to feel the Spirit. I thought back to that day in the OR and not feeling Him there and I REALLY got upset and was hysterically crying. Many of you don't know this about me, but I never call people. I don't want to bother them. This day, I did. I had to reach out, I don't know what would have happened if I didn't. I called one my friends, I must have freaked her out a little, crying hysterically on the phone over nothing. I started to feel a little better. Then people started calling me. I could hear the love and concern that they felt for me.
That day was the turning point for me. I realized that I was experiencing a little post par tum depression and that was the reason I couldn't feel my Heavenly Father, not that I was a bad person and He had taken His Spirit from me. It was the love of my sisters, reaching out to me that let me feel my Heavenly Father's love for me. I started feeling better, it didn't all just go away, but got less and less intense until I felt halfway normal again. Luckily for me it only last about 6 weeks, which is normal.
Even though we move around so much, being in the military, it's a great comfort to me to have the gospel in my life. I love my sisters! I'm greatful for the trials we have in life. Without them, we would never know how strong we can truly be. Most of all I know that Heavenly Father will never give us more than we can bear.
9 comments:
I {heart} you my dear friend!
What an insightful post, what with the whole depression and spirit. I never thought about it that way but it makes sense. Your little boy is getting so big! He's such a cutie!
Thank you for sharing. I never had any pain with my four babies. I was one that the labor was easy. But after you get home is where the emotional time is. It is so important to visit with our young mothers, no matter what number of baby, not just the meal is important but the time we visit and make sure everything is okay physically and emotionally.
I had the same experience as you although I didn't have any friends to lean on, my mom helped. But you put it just right, you don't fill the spirit you wonder whats wrong. That brought me to tears, and it's true sometimes the was we feel the comforting of the spirit is through friends comforting words. I had that experience when Ihad Drew. Thanks for sharing that.
oh can I add I wish people would share these stories, more, the scared part the unplanned surgery, because everyone told me how wonderful childbirth would be and ow spiritual, which is nothing I felt on my first delivary. We need reality. So we are prepared for whatever might happen.
Gosh, you think you were scared? I was scared to death. Worried about both of you, and also wondering what the heck happened to Heather during those first few months. I thought I'd never get the old Heather back. Luckily, you came back. I was so glad.
Hello... for those of you who do not know me Adam and I served together in Okinawa before he married Heather. I did not have a csection...but I was told I was going to die and maybe the baby also. I had severe toxemia and gained 85lbs. My toxemia turned into HELLP syndrome. I know a lot about pregnancy being a pregnancy massage therapist and a doula. Please reach out and support women you know that are in labor and newly postpartum. Stop by or call..let them know they are special!
Wow. You definitely have a way of putting things. Thank you so much for sharing. I might not have gone through that exact scenario but I have felt that way one time or another in my life. My sisters are what have saved me as well. I'm SO glad the Lord knows just what we need and then sends a precious sister to our doorstep. ;) Thanks for being one of those sisters for me! I was feeling a little down today and your call to invite me to the movie tomorrow night really cheered me up! Thanks! ;)
Thanks for sharing, Heather! It's only when we share these kinds of things that we find out we're not alone, that everyone has something, some trial they have gone through.
I am so excited to come visit you guys!
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