nursing and the poop story

I've decided that it's about time I talked about what I do. I am an RN (registered nurse). I don't really like to tell people what I do because really, if you have never worked in health care, then it's hard to get a grasp on what it is I do. The other reason I shy away from it is because when people hear that you are a nurse, they start asking you to look at and diagnose stuff. Which brings me to the first reason... I'm not a Dr. I'm a nurse. Dr's diagnose and tell you what to do. Nurses assess a patient from head to toe, find anything abnormal and report it to the Dr. We do what the Dr's tell us. (When we graduated nursing school, someone told us that now we were safe to TOUCH patients and it's true. You really start learning when you start working. more seasoned nurses could probably identify things better than I could. I think when I got out of nursing school, I got asked the most questions about what things were, and I didn't really know. I don't like not knowing, so I just didn't "advertise" that I was a nurse and I avoid having to say "I don't know")
That being said... Most hospital's have an Intensive/Critical Care Unit (ICU/CCU). The patients they get there usually have serious cardiac/ respiratory illnesses and can be on vents and have IV cardiac drugs that require frequent cardiac monitoring. Then there is a step down unit Progressive Care or Telemetry. These pt's aren't as serious as the ICU patients, but still have a lot of cardiac or respiratory stuff going on and are still monitored.
The medical floor is for everyone else, the people with pneumonia, COPD, pancreatitis, cancer (we don't do chemo), UTI, sepsis, cellulitis, intractable pain, GI Bleeds, etc... This is where I work.
Usually when I get to work, if I am working on the floor, I get my patient assignment - up to 7 patients, and get report from the night nurse (I work days). Then I look at all my patients and pull up their charts and look at what medications they have when. Then I start going to see every patient and assess them from head to toe, see if they are with it ( know who they are, where they are and what the date is), listen to heart, lungs, bowels, check pulses, look at their skin and assess whatever it is they are admitted for. Then meds are passed. Meanwhile the Dr's are rounding and writing new orders, so I have to check the charts and see what else I have to do that day. When I'm not assigned pt's then I'm charge. I oversea all the nurses, help with discharges, assign new admits to nurses and rooms, help out where ever is needed and so forth.

We do have nursing assistants that help bath the patients and take them to the bathroom, but they can only be in one place at a time, so to the part about getting pooped on...

I was helping an old man to the bathroom and he got dizzy right in front of the toilet, so we stopped to let him get his bearings... and then liquid poop starts falling and hits the floor with such force that it splatters. I can't let go and jump back like I'd want to do, the best I can do is take a step back on my tippy toes while leaning to maintain my grasp on the poor man's arm, all the while the never ending "waterfall" is splashing on my shoes and pants. The liquid poop always smells the worst. I can tell the old man is ashamed, he's apologizing. I try very hard to NOT have a disgusted and grossed out look on my face while telling him that it's okay, it's not his fault, don't worry, we'll get it all cleaned up. I get him sitting on the toilet and call for help. After he's clean and tucked back safe in the bed and I've talked to his wife, I get out of earshot (so I don't hurt their feelings or make them feel worse) and get to be grossed out and whiny as I don gloves and with germicidal wipes, scrub my pants and shoes.

Anyways, I'm supposed to be working on my resume, but instead I'm telling poop stories...